I haven’t posted for a few days. Sometimes I don’t see the point, such is the craziness of the modern world. Other times, writing seems like the only thing I can do, for exactly the same reason.

For example, the bastardisation of the word equality seems to be limitless. Now, it is vegans who are the latest folk to be in need of some sort of protection. From what, I don’t know. Perhaps leather seats in public places will be banned. I have never been a vegan, but I tried being a veggie for a few months. It opened up a new world of culinary delights. I’m not being sarcastic, by the way! I made a cracking vegetarian lasagne with aubergine, courgettes, mushrooms and of course onions. I concocted homemade burgers using veggie mince and cooked white rice in roughly equal quantities. Add a chopped onion, bind with egg and add soy sauce to colour the rice and the cooked burger was “meaty” enough to put on a roll and cover with ketchup like the real thing.

The egg makes this recipe useless for vegans, so I guess I must be guilty of discrimination by writing about it without considering the hurt I may cause to them. I can’t say I found myself discriminated against as a vegetarian, however I have always been in a particular culinary minority – well since the age of five or six – which is subject to an incredible amount of discrimination and ignorance.

I am a person who does not take butter or margarine on sandwiches and I do feel hard done by because practically everywhere I go where sandwiches are served, they are buttered.

When Cranmer learned that vegans are to enjoy the same protection against discrimination as religious groups, he suggested,

And if they, why not vegetarians, non-dairy consumers, wheat-eschewers and teetotallers.

I love cheese, but I hate butter. Surely this makes me an extra special case in need of much wider understanding. Schoolchildren should be taught to respect me for what I am. They should be told that some people don’t like butter, or even margarine and other low-fat spreads, and that it is also their right not to have butter.

The “non-dairy consumers” would not want a cheese sandwich, or any sandwich with butter, but I would take a cheese sandwich without butter. I think this proves that information ‘packs’ urgently need to be sent to all businesses that supply food and also to the likes of community halls and churches, where sandwiches may be offered around after an event.

Even churches have their sandwiches smeared with butter. The Lord’s prayer says, “Give us this day our daily bread.”

There is no mention of butter.

Cranmer continues,

We could have a bit of fun with this.

The Equality Bill makes it a legal requirement for all public bodies to consider the impact of all their policies on minority groups.

If churches can successfully be sued for not hiring homosexuals as youth workers, then surely I should be able to take them to the cleaners for not providing me with a butterless sandwich, especially after having had the decency to sit through a sermon without once yawning out loud.

I am seriously considering writing to Harriet Harman about this because I have suffered a lifetime of abuse. Every time a sandwich is produced, I feel picked on; left out; humiliated. And of course, hungry.

I think I stand a fair chance of success. Because butter contains so much fat, the government may see this as the excuse they need to impose a ban on the supply and consumption of buttered sandwiches in public spaces.

Sometimes I catch a whiff of butter when the sandwiches are being passed around. I’m sure the government could find some barmy ‘experts’ who could prove that second-hand butter-whiffing causes obesity.

All in all, then, I think I have proven that I am in need of protection from those who ‘use’ butter as a means of keeping the contents of their sandwiches from falling out. Secondary butter fumes make me nauseous and I leave the venue still hungry while others are full and satisfied.

There can be no equality while my butterless brothers are still being persecuted. I demand justice!