Leg-iron spotted this collection of fifty very strange black and white photographs and came up with a caption for each one. I decided to do the same, but I have used the pictures to illustrate possible/probable ridiculous future EU directives, regulations and propaganda. Quite a few of the captions rely on you having read previous ones, so you need to go through them in order. I have prefaced each caption with an appropriate category:
1. Enforcement: These ladies agree: we should worry about those crazy people who don’t want to pay vast amounts of tax so that the EU can afford to orchestrate all our lives.
2. Animal Rights: “The bats in the roof are protected, so we were unable to fix the hole and the rain came in.” [This one probably is a regulation already.]
3. Enforcement: An EU inspector rides into town incognito.
4. Animal Welfare: Poultry are forbidden from smoking.
5. Child Welfare: The moment an obese parent has to say goodbye to his child. The girl will be returned if he manages to lose 15 stone.
6. Animal Rights: Bears are reintroduced into Scotland, and as they are a protected species you have to let them eat you.
7. Health & Safety: Skeletons on bicycles must wear top hats and be accompanied by another cyclist at all times.
8. Environment: Children must dress up as penguins once a month to drill into them the need to pay lots of green taxes to stop global warming or all the real penguins will die of sunstroke.
9. Animal Welfare/ Health & Safety: When approaching a panda, it is best to do so wearing a Newcastle United strip as it will think you are also a panda and not be alarmed. [Although you do have to hope the panda isn’t a Sunderland fan.]
10. Enforcement: Masked EU Enforcers abduct this child for refusing to dress up as a penguin.
11. This picture has been removed because everyone is now complying with this particular law.
12. Animal Welfare: If asked by poultry to help move a plank of wood, you must come to their aid.
13. Eugenics: Humans will be genetically modified to grow no higher than sixteen inches, to “save the planet”.
14. Eugenics: This boy is already thirteen inches high and knows that he must not exceed the maximum of sixteen, so has started smoking as he has heard it will stunt his growth.
15. Women’s Rights: Women are encouraged to whack their husband when they talk back. This one is really serious as she has already dressed for his funeral even before he has returned from the pub.
16. Animal Welfare: Pigs must be kept dry while writing their Christmas cards.
17. Climate Change: This is what will happen to you if you don’t pay green taxes. Lots of them.
18. Climate Change: This is the future if you don’t pay all those green taxes to stop global warming – temperatures will soar so high that you’ll need to take off all your clothes – then all your skin.
19. This EU directive is no longer necessary. Those who disobeyed it have all now been dealt with.
20. Equality & Diversity: A blind person may now shoot deer, but must have two people shouting “woo-hoo” so he knows where to fire. [NB There is a serious conflict of equality vs health & safety here. Commissioners are working on a solution and need more money to help them think.]
21. Eugenics: People will be allowed to keep wild animals as pets as a method of population control.
22. Eugenics: This girl is 17 inches tall and must be shot. She smiles and willingly accepts her fate – as a blood sacrifice to Mother Earth. She will be awarded the EU Medal of Honour (posthumously).
23. Climate Change: Climate experts studying data believe that 105% of the body’s heat is lost through the top of the head. The combination of a helmet and kitten reduce this heat loss by a staggering 134% and may help stop global warming. Experts believe trousers may help too.
24. Health & Safety: Very tall people are not allowed to carry children in their arms due to new height restrictions. This law will be rescinded once nobody exceeds 16 inches tall.
25. Science: “There is nothing to fear from genetically modified humans,” said Kenneth, who looks like a raven.
26. Roads: Bob knew that once the EU had changed all the road signs into Latin the chances were high that he would become lost.
27. Animal Welfare: Alcoholics Anonymous for dogs was set up despite the failure of a similar scheme for newts.
28. Power Hungry Nazis: Ladies love the EU Commissioners. The fact that they are dead from the neck up doesn’t seem to bother this woman.
29. Animal Welfare: While old people were laid out on trolleys in the hospital corridors coughing up blood, Glenda made sure that the goats were contented.
30. Eugenics: Although less than 16 inches tall, the little Chinese man is the eldest.
31. Health & Safety: Smoking causes wrinkling of the skin and turns you into a dolphin with long pointy fingers.
32. Health & Safety: After the banning of beards, those who refuse to shave have to wear deep sea diving helmets to keep in the bacteria.
33. Health & Safety: Swimming pools have been banned altogether. Major swimming events are still permitted, but take place on the athletics track with the participants inserted into barrels of water at the start. EU Commissioners feel this is a fair compromise that will satisfy everyone without ruining the sport.
34. Women’s Rights: At beauty pageants, women will be allowed to remain anonymous to preserve their dignity as they wiggle their bodies around for the pleasure of shabby little men with thick glasses.
35. Eugenics/Snitches: “Well, you look over 16 inches tall to me. Let me measure you – make my day! And I pledge allegiance to the other flag – the one with twelve stars.”
36. Eugenics/Snitches: A 17-inch giant is marched off after a valiant and true EU citizen sneaked up behind him with a tape measure then called the snitch hotline.
37. Health & Safety: Elephants must travel in the back seat. Rhinos in the front.
38 Women’s Rights: To end the male domination of sport, women are encouraged to play rugby. To get the hang of it, office managers must help them kick marrows about the office.
39. Nutrition: Young Welsh male voice choir singers must be given access to fresh watermelons.
40. Eugenics/Snitches: “You see, my dear, this little chap is an example of the perfect EU citizen: he is very small – even smaller than you, does not have a beard and is stupid enough to believe the propaganda.”
41. Eugenics/Law & Order: Prisons in the future will be very small and most people will be in one.
42. Freedom, they mean. Freedom is slavery.
43. Health & Safety: This bearded man was caught not wearing his deep sea diver’s helmet, so as punishment, he is forced to go around for a week with a fox’s head glued to his groin.
44. Health & Safety: French horn ensembles must not play on a railway line in front of an oncoming train.
45. Health & Safety: This woman is being comforted after her companion was shot dead by the blind woman just after shouting, “Woo-hoo”.
46. Employment Law: The EU’s unemployed are being retrained as blackboards.
47. Health & Safety: Another reminder of the terrible consequences of playing the French horn in the path of an oncoming express train. Even though he has no lungs, the woman is taking no chances and has blocked up her ears with cotton wool, just in case the cat can play.
48. Public Decency: It is against the law to be in public with a bear behind.
49. Health & Safety: After an energy-saving fluorescent light bulb explodes spreading toxic mercury all over the carpet, these ladies find a couple of pillocks to act as a bridge so they can escape to safety.
50. Eugenics: This girl, terrified of the EU’s growth restrictions, is preparing to saw off her own legs so that she doesn’t need to worry about it anymore and can be free to love the EU with all her heart.
Please leave your own in the comments, but ensure they comply with every EU directive. Thank you.