Tickling the enemy into submission

Major Ken Dodd - he's got tickling sticks and he's not afraid to use them.

Army cadets in Plymouth have been banned from carrying rifles on their Remembrance Day parade because it ‘glamorises’ weapons. How did we win all those wars? Did our soldiers tickle the enemy into submission?

“What a beautiful day – what a beautiful day, missus, for going up to the Taliban and saying, “Hands up, beardie, I want to tickle your oxsters”.”

John Reid famously said that he hoped British forces would leave Afghanistan “without firing a single shot”. He obviously never had a history lesson in his life.

Even the British Olympic pistol shooters must train abroad because they aren’t allowed to use their weapons in Britain.

We have to be the biggest joke on the planet. Here was me thinking that the armed forces, the police and criminals were the only ones who were allowed guns. Perhaps the cops could swap their tasers for tickling sticks and truncheons for feather dusters? Wouldn’t want armed robbers to get hurt, ‘cos it’s against their rights, innit?

Or maybe we should just get the French to do the tickling for us? Fluffy polyester isn’t cheap.

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